Disclaimer: This is not a post about bicycles.
So it’s been a while. In the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling antsy. Perhaps it’s a matter of settling into a new apartment and being alone again, but I think these restless emotions lie more in being adjusted to an everyday lifestyle free of stress. It has opened the door for me to reevaluate where I am in terms of everything else in my life. Before I was hyper-focused on fixing my living situation, and now that I am comfortable and free to explore other areas of my existence, I can see where I want more from my time here.
For instance, I feel far more focused on my career and how stagnant I feel at my job. Maybe the 9-5 lifestyle isn’t for me, but I feel far more satisfied at the end of the day when I leave my part-time job on the weekends helping elderly people. Proofreading manuscripts about topics I will never fully understand just doesn’t cut it. But looking back on my life and remembering that I helped a woman with Alzheimer’s, who can’t remember yesterday or moments before the last, feel good about herself by picking out an outfit and combing her hair, it really makes me feel like I am here for a reason.
But that’s just skimming the surface. I’m cycling through previous lives. I’m screwing around with Bermuda Triangle again and I don’t know what to think of it. Part of me wants to say that we’re just two people who want to get their rocks off. But tonight was reminiscent of our last serious tryst in that it was extremely intimate and didn’t feel like some ‘fuck buddy’ scenario.
To be candid: I’m terrified of developing any serious feelings for him again, unintentionally.
I guess what’s really difficult, what has always been my struggle, is that I’ve never had a truly intimate relationship with a man. So when you mix a very deep emotional connection in terms of a friendship with a sexual relationship that is equally intimate and meaningful, shit gets complicated. I don’t think I have feelings for Bermuda Triangle again–I know in my heart he’s not the one for me, but I don’t know how to stop cycling back into the patterns of my former self. How do I say no to this extension of ourselves? Especially when I want to feel that close to him?
I guess to be frank, we tried to do the straight, dirty sex route tonight and it didn’t work. He couldn’t get off and I didn’t feel good about it. It wasn’t until the end, when we both just let ourselves experience each other on a more ‘loving’ plane that we were able to really enjoy the experience. We talked the last time this happened about sex being an extension of our level of comfort as friends–another way to experience each other without feeling guilty. I have had similar feelings and experiences with another close friend in my life, but I’m also far more reserved about it with him than I was with her. I don’t want to go back to the feelings of desperation and sadness I had more than a year ago [that I had with him]. I want to find meaning in my life outside of any man. I want to experience this world in my own skin, free of stress and distractions. I want to wholeheartedly make this world better, little by little. With acts of kindness to those who most deserve it and everyone else in between. I want to make this life matter. I’m still such a work in progress, though. Making the same mistakes, but seeing the person I want so desperately to be in coming years. Fucking up again and again, but determined to change.
